“When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.”
-John Mulaney
I trust too easily. I have a tendency to roll over and show my belly. Somewhere, somehow, inside my brain, something clicks and then I’m telling myself to be more likeable, more relatable, and more available to others, I have to be wildly open about anything and everything. I’m a chronic oversharer, seeking reassurance in others. I linger on small instances that hint that someone may not like me or are hiding from me how they really feel. Paradoxally, I am confident in who I am, but being liked by my peers, and even people who I don’t know, or don’t even like is what’s important to me.
Not trusting people is usually looked at as a negative, bad approach to relationships. It’s typically encouraged to trust people and believe - almost blindly - as in without evidence that others to have integrity. However, using the so-called negative approach may be a smarter way to build relationships. Not trusting a person you are meeting, or even just being acquainted with them in some way, gives you no expectations to make. In trust, there is a degree of expectation that the person will do what you wish them to do. Naturally, you want to trust a person because you want to like them, but also have things go the way you want them to/be to your benefit-which are your expectations. Any sort of expectation carries the risk of disappointment and/or loss.
In a 2012 study at the University of Zurich in Switzerland, participants had the option to trust or not trust their partner. Choosing not to trust resulted in both partners receiving 14 monetary units, but when they trusted and their partner was not labeled trustworthy by the experimenters, they received no monetary units, while the untrustworthy partner would receive 60 monetary units. When the partner was labeled trustworthy by experimenters, and their partner decided to trust them, both participants received 30 monetary units. In this scenario, there is a motivation to trust the partner, because taking the risk to trust them has a higher payout than picking the guaranteed award by choosing to not trust their partner. However, whether or not the participant was aware of the payout, there was still a motivation to pick to trust their partner. Why do we want to trust people? What’s behind that instinct to want to trust someone?
The article says that stress encourages trust in others. Which is true-when something bad happens; for example, you find out one of your close friends did something bad; maybe they used racial slurs or violated an intoxicated person. You want to trust in how you see that person, you want to deny the stress (that is the news they did something bad) because you trust the person you know personally and not the stress. Some people may even experience this with people they like, even if they aren’t friends. If their favorite barista at their local coffee shop ended up being a homophobe or racist, at first they’d find it difficult to trust that fact, because of the liking they’ve taken to the person. Also, the other way this works is that in times of emergency, like a car accident or a person having a heart attack on the street, you trust that people know what to do- maybe the random guy on the street doesn’t know how to do CPR like an EMT, but you trust that he knows how to do it and might be able to save that person’s life.
What about relationships? What if one were to approach each relationship they have, whether it be romantic, professional, in-family, or friendly, with the idea to not trust the other person? What are the positives and negatives of this approach?
Usually, trust is one of the primary foundations of our relationships when they begin. We subconsciously trust a lot of people in our day to day life- the bus driver, the other drivers on the road, the barista or chef, and the weatherman are all people we trust on a daily basis without probably giving it a second thought. If we were to stop and question the trustworthiness every single person we came into contact with, we’d never be able to live our lives. So, we have to trust some people inherently, without too much questioning. As for the ones we have more time for, we can then choose to trust or not to trust them.
The positives of trusting a person from point blank are:
It's an optimistic point of view.
It produces closer, more meaningful connections.
Lower stress levels because of the ability to depend on others.
The negatives of trusting a person from point blank are:
Not everyone deserves trust or is trustworthy.
Expectations are created subconsciously that could lead to disappointment.
The positives of not trusting a person from point blank are:
It protects from embarrassment, pain, anger, and other negative emotions.
There aren’t any expectations, therefore less potential for disappointment.
The negatives of not trusting a person from point blank are:
It's seen as pessimistic.
Intimate relationships or other close relationships may be difficult or more distanced for longer periods of time.
The overall point of whether or not its better to be trusting or not trusting of other people relies on comfortability being vulnerable, and how vulnerability is viewed. As a person, do I view vulnerability as a strength or a weakness? Does showing others my vulnerabilities help me in creating meaningful relationships? Does being vulnerable encourage others to show their vulnerabilities, or just show off my weaknesses?
At this point, I’m still unsure of what’s better for myself. For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to trust less, and overall I feel good; I feel more secure in my relationships because I give less of a shit. I don’t have any expectations that would otherwise come from the person I would be trusting, so I can’t be disappointed or hurt by the reality that happens afterwards. Not trusting, which at this point is almost synonymous with caring less, could potentially be damaging to forming meaningful relationships. However, at this stage in my life, I’m constantly meeting new people, building relationships or working closely with them, and going about it with a low-trust approach would allow me to have less potential to be disappointed or hurt, and have more control over my emotions. Moving forward however, trust can definitely be incorporated into these relationships to add security and ultimately make the relationship closer and more vulnerable.
AUTHOR BIO
Kara Richards is currently a Senior at Arcadia University in Glenside, Pennsylvania pursuing a double bachelors degree in International Business and Italian Language. Her Junior year, she attended the Umbra Institute in Perugia, Italy, where she met Dr. Dennis and studied with him for two semesters.
She currently works as a SEO Specialist with the Income Store, and freelance designed and developed this website for Dr. Dennis.
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